Stereotypes

During a recent sermon our pastor referenced in a funny way (in passing) how husbands relate to their wives - I can't remember the exact stereotype but it was something to do with insensitive, less emotionally and relationally in tune, etc.  I wondered (admittedly in a somewhat self-righteous way) what impact these types of references  had on our way of viewing ourselves and the other gender.

Initially I was critical, thinking that this type of reference is subtly offensive to those of my ilk, but then I realized I had done a similar thing in a conversation with a young male patient and his mother that week.  We had been talking about a potential depression I suspected he was suffering from.  He scored quite low on a depression screen I had asked him to fill out indicating that my suspicion of depression was probably wrong.  I took another stab at it - "we guys are usually not really well in touch with our emotions" I ventured.  Obviously this was a blatant though probably widely held stereotypical belief about the less fair gender.  Busted!

The reason we can get away with such biased statements is because in making them we include ourselves with the guilty party.  We are in a sense engaging in self depreciating humor to make a point.  However, we would never get away with saying something like that about a group that we were not a part of.  For instance I would never imply that women or Torontonians (2 groups in which I do not hold membership) were insensitive, emotionally uninformed boors.  In a way our biased statements are permissible because we are including ourself in the "joke" much like the Indocanadian comic Russell Peters whose Indocanadian mocking shtick is edgy but would be blatantly racial if offered by anyone of a different background.

Despite this apparent self effacement, we are in a subtle way influencing thought and perpetuating stereotypes. If we joke enough about husbands being insensitive will we begin to believe it, accepting behavior consistent with and rejecting behavior inconsistent with this belief? I wonder....

Would it perhaps be more useful if one wants to be self effacing to use oneself alone as an example and not drag the rest of one's group into it. "I know that often I am not tuned in to my emotional state" rather than "guys tend to not be too well tuned in to their emotions."  Maybe not as amusing but perhaps less likely to create and perpetuate stereotypes.

Do angels Swear?

About a week ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with church stuff – cluster, small group, elders, mentoring, and shepherding. Wasn’t Jesus’ yoke supposed to be easy and his burden light? In a moment of discipleship fatigue, I cried out “Lord, please bring your kingdom to my world this week without me even being involved. Show me your power and capability to do this without me.” I then spent the week in anticipation – looking for God’s hand in “bringing his kingdom.”

Later in the week I was meeting a friend for coffee. He is going through a difficult time in his marriage, having been separated for 6 months, and I had been challenging him with the gospel – to love his wife as Christ loved the church – that uncommon unconditional supernatural love that only God can fuel. I knew that he had been challenged by and resistant to this message.

I arrived at the coffee shop first and ordered a drink. Seeing my friend’s car (let’s call him Bill) pulling in I said to the barista that I would pay for his too. There was an older woman off to the side at the counter apparently just “hanging out”. As Bill entered the cafe he called out his usual loud friendly greeting “hey Bro!” I asked him what he wanted. “A friend” he said promptly hanging a right and going down to the washroom. The three of us at the counter (myself, the barista and the older women) had a chuckle. “I’m not sure if you guys have those on the menu do you?” I said.

When Bill returned minutes later the older woman started talking to us about her “friend” that she had had for 53 years – her husband. Bill, always one to pursue conversation with strangers said “so what’s the secret to a successful marriage?” She started to list them – “Get along. Work on it. Hang in there through the good times and the bad.” (Exactly the words that Bill needed to hear). “That is so what we’re not going to be talking about” he said intimating his desire for an out in his marriage relationship. The conversation continued back and forth between them in rapid succession:

-“Are you married?”

- “For now”.

-“It’s like the vows say ‘to death do we part’ “

-“That can be arranged!”

-“Jesus....” she said shaking her head ripe with good natured exasperation ”... you know.... you guys....” (further head shaking).

She then wandered off to have coffee with her “friend” of 53 years and we sat down to our drinks and conversation. I wondered if this was how God had shown up. I couldn’t have scripted that gospel message introduction to our conversation better if I had tried. It truly was the heart of what Bill needed to hear. Bill kidded that she was “a plant”. I sat there marvelling at what God had done and wondering if she was an angel. But.... do angels swear?